Read it or not, don’t matter

thelongboardkid:

Opening up feels weird as fuck. I don’t feel better afterwards I thought I would but it didn’t change anything. I feel stupid for even saying anything. It’s not the first time it’s happened. I thought it was a phase. But I guess it’s not. I feel a lot better keeping all my shit inside and with me only. Although sometimes I catch myself zoning out randomly throughout the day thinking about everything that I’ve kept in. And it’s not like those things where you keep it in and it builds up. I don’t feel it building up. When I zone off and people ask me if I’m okay. And I say yes. I really am okay like I’m fine. I don’t need people. I’m the kinda person that JUST needs to talk every once in a while anymore. I’m fine by myself. Then when people try to open up to me about there life’s, I don’t mean to be ignorant or selfish like I honestly care about some of my friends lives. But I act like I don’t. I wanna tell them that they don’t need me. They don’t need to talk about it. As quickly as you think something dramatic happened to you like loosing a friend for a dumb reason or getting fucked over… That quickly you can get over it. I’ve had tough love all my life. I let people soften me up and post myself. But now. I’m just this kid with a “fuck it, I’m young” attitude jumping from one thing that makes me happy to the next. Constantly moving forward without thinking of what happened to the thing before this. From distraction to distraction. Why get attached to something you know is gonna end up gone. I meet people who bring a smile to my face every single day. But in the back of my head I’m always expecting them to be gone the next. I live my life expecting people to leave me eventually. And you know what??? I’m happy that way.

I always have such need to merely talk to you. Even when I have nothing to talk about – with you I just seem to go right ahead and sort of invent it. I invent it for you. Because I never seem to run out of tenderness for you and because I need to feel you near. Excuse the bad writing and excuse the emotional overflow. What I mean to say, perhaps, is that, in a way, I am never empty of you; not for a moment, an instant, a single second.

Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Vita Sackville-West (via swingmeyourbones)

  1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

    2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

    3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

    4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

    5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

    6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

    7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

    8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

    9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

    10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

    11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

    12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

    14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

    15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

    16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness  (via pigmenting)

This is everything I want to do and have been thinking about non-stop for the last week!

(via ithrowcatsatbrickwalls)